Is Marriage Worth It?

Is Marriage worth it?

Have you ever been walking around the store, and hear couples arguing about something that happened years ago?  Or have you been that couple? These type of conversations are what John Gottman calls perpetual arguments. These conflicts are things that you and your husband haven't resolved and are shelved to be used as weapons later. John Gottman's study led him to find out that 69 percent of the arguments that we have with our spouse ar perpetual. How can we avoid being stuck in this vicious cycle? 

John Gottman has given us steps on how to do this.

1. Soften your start-up

- Be sensitive to how we bring up something that bothers us.

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

- Listen to your partner and be aware of the ways they try are trying to fix the situation.

3. Soothe yourself and each other

- Keep yourself calm and help your partner stay calm (Ice cream is always good, one bowl two spoons)

4. Compromise

- Be open to solutions that you didn't originally come up with.

5. Process any grievances so that they don't linger.

- MAKE SURE THAT YOU TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING! Pay attention to details. Do not let anything related to that issue remain un-heard or unresolved.

Do these steps take work, patience, and time? Yes, but It's worth the effort to allow hurt feelings and sad memories to be resolved the situation. 

The world today has a weird view on marriage and questions if being committed in a marriage relationship is worth the effort. From the book Drawing Heaven into your marriage, he quotes Micheal Novak who says,

"Marriage is an assault upon the lonely, atomic ego. Marriage is a
threat to the solitary individual. Marriage does impose grueling,
humbling, baffling, and frustrating responsibilities. 
Yet, marriage is not the enemy of moral development in adults. Quite the opposite.
Being married and having children has impressed on my mind
certain lessons, for whose learning I cannot help being grateful. My
bonds to [my family] are, I know, my liberation. They force me to
be a different sort of human being, in a way in which I want and
need to be forced."

Novak is reminding us that marriage can help us grow and be stretched that we couldn't do outside of marriage.  Without someone to see and love us with all of our faults or someone to help lift us when we fall, we cannot grow into a loving, compassionate, stalwart person.